Holy shit. Did you know you can just tear up a 'to do list?'

Tomorrow is National Beer Day... known in Ireland as 'Day.'

PRO TIP: When a woman says 'do whatever you want,' DO NOT DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! DON'T!

My orgasm face makes me look like a deaf person trying to talk

Gay is not a choice. RELIGION is a choice

WARNING: If you see tweets offering free clips of the new Nickelback album DO NOT CLICK. It links to free clips of the new Nickelback album.

A really good friend will clear your hard drive after you die! Then, burn it. Then, the house. Then strangle your parrot.

I'm against protesting but I don't know how to show it

please don't ask me about my pan pizza. (it's personal)

If you don't like gay marriage, don't get gay married.

You look really stupid with your face

I was going to make the bed but I have a penis

I'm more scared of the Zumba Apocalypse

Becoming 'Twitter-Famous' is kinda like winning at the Special Olympics

At least Lance Armstrong had the ball to come clean

Everything I know about Mexico is from Taco Bell

If I was a country, my Gross National Product would be snot.

My superpower would be having sex with people without waking them

Have some kids, I fucking dare you. You'll love it. You'll flip the fuck out from the constant fucking fun fuck fuck fuck FUCK

I combined my grocery list with my bucket list and now I need toilet paper and Jack Daniels and then I can die