My favorite way to masturbate is to rub my penis against the inside walls of a vagina.

I'm pretty sure the first official gay bar in history was called The Catholic Church.

If you describe eating chocolate as "better than sex", then either you're not doing sex right or I really want some of your chocolate.

Why are cats always so quick to judge me? They just sit there, with their furry little faces, silently judging me and my medication.

Technology was driven by war, then the space race, then pornography, and now by our insatiable desire to show each other what we're eating.

I want a shirt that makes it looks like I'm wearing TWO shirts. People will feel so stupid when they find out it's just one.

"Cook my food!" "Clean the dishes!" "WASH MY CLOTHES!" I enjoy yelling at my appliances.

Fuck it, I give up. I may as well just start wearing jeans from Costco.

Hey, does anyone remember what I do for a living?

I guess the benefit of buying a Hummer is that people don't need to spend the time to get to know you before discovering you're a dick.

I hate it when I'm in a meeting and I say exactly what's on my mind, especially when it's tight Asian pussy.

I've been so focused on meat that it never even occurred to me to have sex with vegetables.

How come no one wants to eat my face? Now I'm depressed. Stupid delicious-faced people.

It turns out the voices in my head telling me to do things are really just me, thinking about doing stuff.

My bank account has the worst sense of humor.

Everything my wife says to me today is an argument, so I'm taking it like a man by hiding in the bathroom.

I don't care if you're in a relationship, just let me *believe* that you'd be willing to fuck me and I'll do the same.

I think my wife is jealous of the dog because I give the dog so much attention. To be fair, though, the dog is the only one that blows me.

My collection of human hands has finally reached the size where it's starting to make me look a little weird.

I'm so thankful chocolate is a vegetable otherwise I'd have a lot of trouble getting my 5 to 10 every day.