I hate it when real life gets in the way of twitter.

You know what I think twitter needs, more avi's that are just an eye.

I'm not a gynaecologist but I'd be happy to take a look.

I just woke up in work wondering where the fuck I was.

Shhh did you hear that? That was me opening my first beer of the night.

I'm about to take the beast out. Don't look at me like that, beast is what I call my dog.

#ff @spideroger because he's world champion of raisin throwing. He uses hamster poop for training though.

Every time I lose a follower a fairy dies, think of the fairies you evil fuckers.

Have you seen the price of Gillette razor blades these days. Self harming must be a really expensive hobby.

A quick #ff for @whocuppedmycake because she's cool, funny and well that should be enough for you.

Just took my beast out and got soaking wet, fucking hate taking the dog out in the rain.

If I got as many fucks as I do stars on my tweets I'd still be a virgin. :'(

I'm only here to try and get more followers then Jesus.

Just because your old it doesn't make it your god given right to be a shit slow driver.

I should get paid extra for working with this bunch of fucking idiots. If they had a brain cell it would die of loneliness.

If another person walks in front of my car tonight I'm using them as a speed bump.

After watching X Factor I just want to burn my eyes with bleach to help me forget the slaughter of music I just witnessed.

My tweets are so poor I don't even qualify for the #shittytweetclub

I've not been on twitter for 6 hours and not one of you checked to see if I was dead. Shame on you.

I saved my wife from a big spider before but only until we bartered that I got a blow job for catching it. That's fair right?