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I just met a woman who told me she had "trouble keeping weight on" in times of stress. I ate her.
Living on the edge; bought a two-piece swimsuit. One piece is the actual suit and the other piece is a cloak of invisibility.
My forties have allowed me the freedom to yawn at totally inappropriate times without apology.
I occasionally eat chocolate every single day.
My children will never know true horror. Like having to answer the phone with no caller ID.
SIRI, make me 20 pounds thinner. "Mom? Uh, That's the TV remote control".
If only human babies were as cute as Polar Bear cubs. What. Someone had to say it.
What if I never liked the messenger anyway? Then can I shoot her?
I've had broken bones that hurt less than Nick Cage's southern accent in Con Air.
Is it okay to write, "just trust me on this", on your résumé?
I'm at an age now where if I were granted three plastic surgery wishes it wouldn't be enough.
I'm more proud of the parallel parking job I did today than my college degree and it's quite possible I worked harder to get it.
Based on your avis I can see many of you can't afford shirts and I'm holding a bake sale to buy several of you pants.
Just weighed myself and first thought was "do it again without earrings."
There will be a grandmother named Britney in the next ten years. Sleep tight America!
I just gained a few followers but it hasn't gone to my head or anything I SAID NO BROWN M&MS, DAMMIT!
The nice thing about twitter is if you have a stalker you can just block them before you end up in their refrigerator.
Oh, what happened to you poor 49 year old lady with bedazzled pink cell, pink purse, skinny jeans and high heels? Let me hug you.
Placing a clown gnome in your front yard is a great way to announce to the world you're a blossoming serial killer.
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? hmm- awkward
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