I occasionally eat chocolate every single day.

The man in front of me at Target had pneumonia so I stopped, dropped and rolled. Was that right?

The nice thing about twitter is if you have a stalker you can just block them before you end up in their refrigerator.

Is it just me or anyone else think Lincoln's pretty brave to head back into theaters?

Family Christmas card photo failed so I stole one off the Internet of the Cosby family if you wonder why my son now looks like Raven Simone.

I like to ensure people respect my personal space in the movies by consuming a large baked ham with my $50 soda.

Remember young girls; Zumba always leads to prostitution.

I just spent the entirety of a two hour flight trying to not let my naked arm touch my neighbors' naked arm. His arm hair won.

I'm at an age now where if I were granted three plastic surgery wishes it wouldn't be enough.

I'm more proud of the parallel parking job I did today than my college degree and it's quite possible I worked harder to get it.

Placing a clown gnome in your front yard is a great way to announce to the world you're a blossoming serial killer.

Oh gosh I'm sorry. I'm just so bad with names. And faces. Well, and people. And animals. And plants. Real bad with plants.

Anyone else ever been followed by someone where you become your own bookie laying odds on how fast they'll unfollow you?

Living on the edge; bought a two-piece swimsuit. One piece is the actual suit and the other piece is a cloak of invisibility.