If absence makes the heart grow fonder, the new boss is going to *love* my new two-day work weeks.

It's comforting to think that every person on this planet had to be potty trained.

You know you can't spell families without lies.

During job interviews, when they ask, "What is your worst quality?", I always say, "Flatulence." That way you get your own office.

I have so much paperwork to do that the only reasonable option seems to be to just burn the office down.

If a girl rolls her eyes at something I said, I just assume she’s having an orgasm.

My 12 Step Program contains only one step.

1. Stay in denial

After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world.

Twitter & favstar: where people go to re-experience their childhood rejection & acceptance issues all over again.

I'm tired of my wife's crap. "Fold the laundry!" "Take out the garbage!" "Please, please don't light the cat on fire" ....Nag, nag, nag.

If I hear the word 'synergy' come out of this manager's mouth one more time, I'm going hit him so hard his paradigm will shift.

My wife said I'm an idiot and a procrastinator. I would have been a complete idiot but I never got around to it.

If I'm paying $500 a night for a 5 star hotel, I'll wear what I want to in the lobby. Pants be gone.

My wife said she wanted new kitchen and asked me what I thought. I said, 'I like sex'.

My wife's idea of pillow talk was the noises I made when she held one over my face.

TEAM = Together Everyone Annoys Me

Some crazy homeless guy told me he was Jesus. I told him "that's great! I need you to build me some bookshelves."

I now have the confidence to know I can write 3 star tweets all the time.

The average American man lasts 14 minutes during sex, and that includes the time it takes for the guy to pay her.

Some of you all need to double down on your med dosage today.