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TEAM = Together Everyone Annoys Me
If a girl rolls her eyes at something I said, I just assume she’s having an orgasm.
Quit talking about how crappy Monday is for you at work. Everyday at work sucks just as much.
If absence makes the heart grow fonder, the new boss is going to *love* my new two-day work weeks.
I got a free hypnosis session today by watching a 210 slide PowerPoint presentation.
Bin Laden died and was greeted by 72 Catholic priests.
During job interviews, when they ask, "What is your worst quality?", I always say, "Flatulence." That way you get your own office.
You know you can't spell families without lies.
A conservative friend called me a socialist. I asked him the definition of a socialist & he couldn’t tell me, so I called him a dumbass.
My 12 Step Program contains only one step.
1. Stay in denial
Somebody kidnapped my motivation today.
Bashing someone’s creativity doesn’t make you an insightful critic. It makes you full of shit.
After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world.
It's comforting to think that every person on this planet had to be potty trained.
Ever notice how some people will never interact with you here? I always wondered what it’s like to be trapped in a cocoon of narcissism.
I'm tired of my wife's crap. "Fold the laundry!" "Take out the garbage!" "Please, please don't light the cat on fire" ....Nag, nag, nag.
Did Shit My Dad Says run out of shit?
There’s a fine line between being cocky and being a dick.
Everything that sucks eventually ends, like this year.
I'm a fake BS principle on everything in life. I live in my head. I like card tricks. For entertainment purposes only.
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