I have so much paperwork to do that the only reasonable option seems to be to just burn the office down.

TEAM = Together Everyone Annoys Me

Quit talking about how crappy Monday is for you at work. Everyday at work sucks just as much.

If a girl rolls her eyes at something I said, I just assume she’s having an orgasm.

Bin Laden died and was greeted by 72 Catholic priests.

A conservative friend called me a socialist. I asked him the definition of a socialist & he couldn’t tell me, so I called him a dumbass.

Somebody kidnapped my motivation today.

My 12 Step Program contains only one step.

1. Stay in denial

Bashing someone’s creativity doesn’t make you an insightful critic. It makes you full of shit.

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, the new boss is going to *love* my new two-day work weeks.

During job interviews, when they ask, "What is your worst quality?", I always say, "Flatulence." That way you get your own office.

After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world.

Ever notice how some people will never interact with you here? I always wondered what it’s like to be trapped in a cocoon of narcissism.

Did Shit My Dad Says run out of shit?

There’s a fine line between being cocky and being a dick.

You know you can't spell families without lies.

Everything that sucks eventually ends, like this year.

By a show of broken hopes and dreams, whose trapped in a Friday afternoon meeting?

Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone and they added 30 days to his life sentence. Boy, that'll teach him...

Trying to be positive takes too much of my energy. It’s a lot easier if I just be a realist instead.