Think I need to find a "taint" boyfriend. You know the middle of the road between an asshole and a pussy kind of guy?

A more realistic tampon commercial should be a chick, sitting in bed, crying for no reason surrounded by chocolate.

If it's true there is a sucker born every minute, my question is how often is a swallower born?

I'm not pushing 40, I'm dragging that bitch and screaming for her to keep up...

I apparently have two great social skills. I keep them in my bra...

Damn...I'm having an out of money experience...

Wish the weekend would come as fast as some of my ex boyfriends...

Everyone is single if you try hard enough...

Having a vagina is the most amazing trump card ever...

If you don't use the two beds in a hotel room as islands to stay outta the lava...we can't share a room...

Just sneezed and a little bit of my awesome leaked out...

There is a shortcut to a guy's heart...it's called the zipper...

Whenever I get the silly notion that I want a boyfriend I remember that I have the whole bed to myself every night and no one farts on me...

Living in the south has taught me two things. 1. God loves me. And 2. I'm going to burn in hell....

Getting older is a bitch. I remember the days when I woke up feeling like a million dollars. Now I'm feeling more like a overdrawn account.

Oral sex makes my whole day happy but anal sex makes my hole weak...

If I died suddenly and went to hell it would take me awhile to realize it wasn't my life...

I don't have the body of a 28 year old anymore...he escaped from the crawlspace of my house and I'm too old to give chase...

Saw on a documentary that in some cultures, sex is a form of communication. Hmmm, explains why I'm always talking to myself...

If I had a dollar for every bad choice I've made, I'd probably still be making the same ones but on the coast of somewhere gorgeous...