My soulmate must've settled.

It would be nice if it were real.

Pretty but she's also a living. breathing. walking. talking. Red. fucking. flag.


Right. Totally my type.

If you believe in yourself, work hard and give it your all. You'll still fuck it up.

Fellas, you gotta set high standards for yourself.

For instance, I only bang chicks with vaginas.

I'm kinda picky.

I get that I'm your crush and all but baby, you can't afford me.

The lengths to which women will go to be dramatic, over-competitive and petty with each other are truly stunning.

It's Friday night... Go out and find someone that will ruin your lipstick - not your mascara 💋 #JustSaying

I miss being a kid and how it never occurred to me to be self-conscious about how I looked in a bathing suit.

I love women, they're beautiful, I just forget that they need to be constantly reminded of that.

Sometimes you never know what you did wrong, sometimes you don't want to know.

I want to be the person you can tell everything too. Not the one you hide shit from.

The rule of life: don't use something or someone you have no intention of keeping.

It's a common misconception that gay men hate women.

You know who hates women?

Other women.

I'll give you all of my "remember whens" for one "I forget."

Pretty sure my car runs on gas & weed, because if I'm not high, I'm not getting in my car.

I never asked to be this brilliant. Throw in my unmistakable sex appeal, and its as if I'm a walking curse.

It’s never the dress that makes the woman; it’s the way she takes it off.

The only people who show up at my funeral will probably be the ones who sent me to an early grave in the first place.

When I get stressed I just close my eyes and go to my happy place.

These other drivers should try it too.