Sorry I was a bitch tonight honey. It's just that you were being so stupid and irritating.

I'm so thankful nobody asked me what I was thankful for today. I spent all day trying to think of something to say besides orgasms.

My sister is all uppity, green, all natural, organic... Pretty sure she will change her tune if someone offers to fix her lopsided tits.

I'm feeling great today! I look great, I feel loved. I think I can handle calling my mom and hear what a terrible person I am now.

Found a butterscotch disc in my purse, so I guess its safe to assume I blacked out, turned 90, and went to the store to get some hard candy.

Fuck you exploding yogurt all over my sweater! This is how rumors get started!

Fuck this! If I can't have a picture of a monkey flinging poop on my debit card, I don't even want to bank here!

Just walked in on my kid looking for something in my nightstand! Ummm! No! Ten more seconds and we all would have felt awkward.

If I was a burglar, I would select my victims based on a crappy treehouse in the backyard. It screams "a real man does not live here!"

We are in prime break-up season. This is when people weigh the value of their current relationship against the price of an appropriate gift.

Why do women insist on speaking so rapidly, in that dolphin voice, about nonsense like Starbucks and manicures? They want me to kill them?

I'm that friend you keep around because no matter how bad things are for you, my life is way more chaotic, and that makes you feel better.

Nothing pisses me off more than people who are too stupid to form their own opinions and let the media do it for them.

Enough already with naming your kid: Aiden, Cayden, Hayden, and Jayden. We have enough people with those names for all eternity now, ok?

Daughter just said that 70% of kids chose Obama on kids pick the president. She said the other 30% are Mitt's kids and grandkids.

Does this haircut make me look like a Mormon housewife about to drown her kids in the tub?

Madame Front Butt, thank you for showing me exactly what kind of garbage diet to avoid if I want to remain free of the front butt.

The truth is that all women are crazy bitches, you just have to find a brand of crazy you can work with.

I eat an Orange every day when my boss goes to his meeting. Then I tape the rind under his chair so he thinks he is having a stroke.

My dog and I play a game called Jerry Springer. Every time he starts barking, I take my shoe off and throw it at him.