No lie, everybody: I just found a battery in my bra

My only hope is that I'm one of those old ladies that's so mean, area children turn my name into a curse and my memory into a legend

Why can't it be this life? Cancel your other plans RT @matsholberg: I'd like to be a Mexican pop star in my next life.

Most trainers say that you should have some protein w/i 30 minutes of a workout. But I think what they mean is "10 oz of premium Chardonnay"

I'm close to a fucking meltdown. Nobody talk to me about anything other than Star Trek and Fat Riker for the next 6 months, please God

I'm not even lying here, America. I will marry and be a good wife to anyone -- ANYONE-- who brings me a burrito. No, a pizza. No, a burrito!

I actually feel perfect right now. I've had the perfect amount of sleep, food, chat/bullshit, alcohol. I've attained slob apotheosis

I also love Nature's Picnic, which is when you steal someone's sandwich when they're not looking

Going back to bed for a few hours because I am adult with no children and I can do that shit

Oh Lawd...I'm not even ready for the next 28 days' worth of people seriously asking why there's no White History Month

Lying in bed, watching tv in a darkened room lit only by a row of lazy Christmas lights. Heaven.

I get genuinely upset when the office rags on Jerry #parksandrec

RT @petepaphides: RT @sbadsgood: Best. Parents. Ever. pic.twitter.com/RLfHYuy1 (via @petefrasermusic)

Finally made home. In bed, starfishing. Limbs gloriously, mutinously akimbo. Good night!

Keeping it 100: sometimes (a lot of the time) I am late to church purely so I can miss the part where we greet each other #lazy #unfriendly

BASTARDS RT @emilyslist: Kansas Board of Health Revokes License Of Doctor For Not Forcing 10 Year Olds To Give Birth http://t.co/lnKUZimu

No, I did not pass out on an air mattress at 2 in the afternoon wearing a wet swimsuit after too much champagne and scotch.

I can never remember who @matsholberg reminds me, of but it's somebody

And we're exhausted RT @marcmaron: People who aren't talented have to work twice as hard to make it seem like they are.

Oh God. I was just making fun of the old guys in the parking lot of this Home Depot who couldn't find their cars, and now I'm one of them