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When will I stop thinking of the most stupidest things in the world?

It's probably in your best interest to wear individual condoms as finger condoms if you're about to touch me downstairs.

Trying to figure out how to text message myself for a nightly affirmation.

Pretty much all you have to do to make any guy want you is wear a bikini top and short shorts.

Going to the gym is really starting to pay off. My body's really taking shape,from my ankles down.

The only good thing about hubby being away, is pretending the shower is broken and he accidentally took my deodorant.

If only hubby appreciated my shaved legs as much as the sheets.

When I tweet about bukake, murder, rape, bestiality, cocks,cancer... I'll finish this later. Fuck, I'm getting too turned on.

I hate when you eat a juicy orange and now you have to go take a shower.

I was explaining to my friends from out of town that this is a nice neighborhood just before one of them stepped in human feces.

Ahhhh, the anonymity of Twitter. If you're using that to your advantage to prey on others, you're doing it wrong.

If you have never been someone's dirty little secret then you are missing out on the good stuff.

I put my clothes on the way everyone else does, no pants at a time.

I find myself over rinsing my armpits in the shower. This is due to the numerous times I've gotten out and realized I still had soapy pits.

I now know that my hell would be perpetually walking into nasty ass gas station bathrooms, like the one I was just in.

Microwaves should have a cool down button for when you overheat things. I just burnt a layer of my mouth off.

Came up to the self checkout, and someone had walked out on their grocery tab. Amazing how quickly the line goes when you just don't pay.

Just the other day I found my first grey pube. It was hiding in a mac & cheese.

Just blew my nose and it looked like a man's load.