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HEY POETS: do you ever fuck or do you just lay down and trace each others outlines with your breath or whatever
me as a waiter: heres your eggs genedict. sorry, benedict. haha
[hours later in a mirror] christ you asshole. genedict? youre pathetic. fuck
If you play the new Muse album backwards it sounds like a mediocre radiohead ripoff desperately vying for relevance, playing backwards
hey girl. why not come back to my place. i've got a big... thing. the thing that's good when it's big. you know. cmon girl give me a hint
kid: bullies only bully me because theyre jealous of me.
bully: fuck... I wish i was weak and pathetic. I wish I was fun to punch and kick
death... the spiciest meatball of all
Hitlers cum? Ha, you must be mistaken, traveler. Hitlers cum is long gone [CLUTCHES AMULET CONTAINING VIAL OF HITLERS CUM BENEATH CLOAK]
could drinking straight vodka actually be good for your health? "ow sure ow yeah whatever ow" says one scientist we pelted with bars of soap
Spice up your love life with that "special someone" by fucking them
"THEY CAN'T ARREST ALL OF US", I yell to some babies in a ball pit. Later, in my cell, I concluded that they never really needed to
if you look at naked tits upside down they look like a calculator
"uh no dude it's not gay if it's in space" -literally every astronaut
women keep their reproductive organs inside their body instead of outside *starts whisperin* what else are they hiding
[turning to you as simpsons episode starts] ok that kid at the board? his name is bart. he's a real rascal. Except to see more of him later
"Say, any of you fellow ruffians planning on any SINS later?" [underneath his cardigan he is wired up to a bible]
best day of my life: found a piece of paper with "1,000,000" written on it
worst day: run over by a truck driven by a second, smaller truck
I hear a lot of you are excited about the new pokemon games. *adjusts tie, gets ready to drop the bomb* Did you know that you are nerds.
masturbating is a lot like crying: i do it while masturbating
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