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me: I'll leave the hall light on, so burglars won't break in.
burglar: That wasteful fucker left the lights on. Let's break in and kill him
men, this tweet is for US GUYS ONLY! NO GIRLS ALLOWED IN THIS TWEET! WELCOME TO THE TESTOSTER-ZONE!! do you guys ever get sad
HEY POETS: do you ever fuck or do you just lay down and trace each others outlines with your breath or whatever
me as a waiter: heres your eggs genedict. sorry, benedict. haha
[hours later in a mirror] christ you asshole. genedict? youre pathetic. fuck
If you play the new Muse album backwards it sounds like a mediocre radiohead ripoff desperately vying for relevance, playing backwards
me: this soup is borat voice very nice
date: Did you just say "borat voice" and then not do a borat voice
kid: bullies only bully me because theyre jealous of me.
bully: fuck... I wish i was weak and pathetic. I wish I was fun to punch and kick
hey girl. why not come back to my place. i've got a big... thing. the thing that's good when it's big. you know. cmon girl give me a hint
death... the spiciest meatball of all
Hitlers cum? Ha, you must be mistaken, traveler. Hitlers cum is long gone [CLUTCHES AMULET CONTAINING VIAL OF HITLERS CUM BENEATH CLOAK]
could drinking straight vodka actually be good for your health? "ow sure ow yeah whatever ow" says one scientist we pelted with bars of soap
Spice up your love life with that "special someone" by fucking them
"THEY CAN'T ARREST ALL OF US", I yell to some babies in a ball pit. Later, in my cell, I concluded that they never really needed to
Me applying for MENSA: If I had to guess, my IQ is probably about 175, maybe 180
MENSA recruiter: Holy SHIT. Are you serious. That's so high
Q1. What sound does an animate skeleton collapsing make
a) a clattering sound
b) xylophone sound
Mostly A's: screw you man
Mostly B's: nice
best day of my life: found a piece of paper with "1,000,000" written on it
worst day: run over by a truck driven by a second, smaller truck
if you look at naked tits upside down they look like a calculator
"uh no dude it's not gay if it's in space" -literally every astronaut
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