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me: I'll leave the hall light on, so burglars won't break in.
burglar: That wasteful fucker left the lights on. Let's break in and kill him
men, this tweet is for US GUYS ONLY! NO GIRLS ALLOWED IN THIS TWEET! WELCOME TO THE TESTOSTER-ZONE!! do you guys ever get sad
HEY POETS: do you ever fuck or do you just lay down and trace each others outlines with your breath or whatever
guy who's never been to college: DUHHHH IM HORNY
guy who's been to college: James Joyce was once horny
Before each tweet ask yourself these
1) Does this have the potential to go viral?
2) If not, why?
3) Why was Bin Laden's body never shown?
me as a waiter: heres your eggs genedict. sorry, benedict. haha
[hours later in a mirror] christ you asshole. genedict? youre pathetic. fuck
Me: Time for an honest days work mining copper ore
Typical millenial: I'd rather take a "selfy" style photo and. turn gay from flouride
If you play the new Muse album backwards it sounds like a mediocre radiohead ripoff desperately vying for relevance, playing backwards
me: this soup is borat voice very nice
date: Did you just say "borat voice" and then not do a borat voice
kid: bullies only bully me because theyre jealous of me.
bully: fuck... I wish i was weak and pathetic. I wish I was fun to punch and kick
hey girl. why not come back to my place. i've got a big... thing. the thing that's good when it's big. you know. cmon girl give me a hint
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