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STOP YELLING INTO YOUR CELLPHONE AND HOLDING IT LIKE A WALKIE-TALKIE. YOU'RE ON A BUS; NOT IN A WAR-ZONE.
Also, it works just like a phone.
Someone on Twitter who tweets only in Spanish starred one of my tweets. Gracias. But, no comprende.
I want to unfollow and block someone in real life. Is that still called "punching them in the face?"
Gonna go home, make a turkey sandwich and ponder why not a single person on the bus thanked me for not murdering every last one of them.
Advice my dad gave my vegetarian girlfriend tonight: "You should probably eat a steak once in a while, just to shock your system."
Screw YOU, Words With Friends; "nookie" is a perfectly cromulent word.
A friend told me that blind people can get seeing-eye PONIES.
HOW DOES EVERY BLIND PERSON NOT HAVE A SEEING-EYE PONY??
I'm not sure what's more rad: the fact that everything I own is covered in cat hair, or that my coat smells like burritos.
I hate people who willfully opt to NOT use the revolving door. WHY DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR THE REVOLVING DOOR!?
I'm really tired of pretending I like everyone on Facebook.
I'm an adult, and I'll eat pistachios for dinner if I want to.
Yes, JUST pistachios. And maybe whiskey.
Man, I really want to star my own tweets.
THESE ARE GOOD TWEETS, PEOPLE. FREE TO ALL!
That moment when you're holding the remote for your car keys, pushing the button...and expecting the front door of your house to unlock.
Ticketmaster is having technical difficulties; Red Hot Chili Peppers tickets are not available online. Tens of fans are super-sad right now.
Someone on Facebook just said "Bud Light Platinum. Not bad..." which is the basically the same thing as saying "Suck it, Charles Darwin!"
I should go back to the beginning of my timeline & start tweeting all the old tweets again. You weren't really paying attention back then...
Advice I just gave a friend: "Burn the house down, dye your hair, start a new life in a new place."
Facebook sent me an email...to tell me about how Facebook will be sending me less email. #FacebookFAIL
My epitaph will read: "Was Generally Unenthused."
I could really go for some cupcakes and murder. Not necessarily in that order.
Tall, blonde, bitter & jaded. Used to be thirty-something. Way better at social networking than your mom. Not as good at Candy Crush, though...