STOP YELLING INTO YOUR CELLPHONE AND HOLDING IT LIKE A WALKIE-TALKIE. YOU'RE ON A BUS; NOT IN A WAR-ZONE.

Also, it works just like a phone.

Someone on Twitter who tweets only in Spanish starred one of my tweets. Gracias. But, no comprende.

Gonna go home, make a turkey sandwich and ponder why not a single person on the bus thanked me for not murdering every last one of them.

I want to unfollow and block someone in real life. Is that still called "punching them in the face?"

Screw YOU, Words With Friends; "nookie" is a perfectly cromulent word.

I'm not sure what's more rad: the fact that everything I own is covered in cat hair, or that my coat smells like burritos.

Advice my dad gave my vegetarian girlfriend tonight: "You should probably eat a steak once in a while, just to shock your system."

I hate people who willfully opt to NOT use the revolving door. WHY DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR THE REVOLVING DOOR!?

A friend told me that blind people can get seeing-eye PONIES.

HOW DOES EVERY BLIND PERSON NOT HAVE A SEEING-EYE PONY??

I'm an adult, and I'll eat pistachios for dinner if I want to.

Yes, JUST pistachios. And maybe whiskey.

I'm really tired of pretending I like everyone on Facebook.

Man, I really want to star my own tweets.

THESE ARE GOOD TWEETS, PEOPLE. FREE TO ALL!

That moment when you're holding the remote for your car keys, pushing the button...and expecting the front door of your house to unlock.

Ticketmaster is having technical difficulties; Red Hot Chili Peppers tickets are not available online. Tens of fans are super-sad right now.

Facebook sent me an email...to tell me about how Facebook will be sending me less email. #FacebookFAIL

Someone on Facebook just said "Bud Light Platinum. Not bad..." which is the basically the same thing as saying "Suck it, Charles Darwin!"

Advice I just gave a friend: "Burn the house down, dye your hair, start a new life in a new place."

My epitaph will read: "Was Generally Unenthused."

I could really go for some cupcakes and murder. Not necessarily in that order.

Enjoyed my trip to Mexico. Wasn't beheaded by drug lords & my organs weren't harvested for sale on the black market. Everyone was very nice.