@litterrbox flat mate used to silently point hollow curtain pole at you, fart down it, and then blow it towards you for precise delivery

Ooof. Have that.

http://t.co/E93mtOO6

The McCanns giving evidence now? They left their kids home alone whilst they went on the piss. They can fuck off #leveson

@litterrbox a friend took a week off work sick and said it was because he had had a stomach transplant.

@litterrbox fof is called Uzi. "is that was because he has a shooter?" "Nah. It's 'cos anywhere he goes he's so scruffy they say 'who's he?'

A mate said he once saw a welsh porno. It was full of birds going "ooh, that's lovely that is".

@rancidgooner how do blind people know when to stop wiping?

@litterrbox the wife used to get texts from her Dad to his new girlfriend with similar name- "I can still taste you" :-(

beeriod: n. Twice-weekly malady suffered by men after a night on the lash. Symptoms include headache, mood swings and a bloated stomach.

@justinmoorhouse www.readitlater.com

http://tgr.ph/a1sAl3 - there is nothing like reading military obituaries the Telegraph to make any man feel like an utter weed.

@suzanne_moore can I do obituaries? I'll make them up for people who should be dead.

My wife bought something off eBay from a bloke called Ben D Cocks. His parents need shooting.

@helenlederer you've shagged them both?

@basilbromley hello. Are you in Kent or London? My friend @chrstinadarling is not sure where Orpington is.

Woman on the plane on the way back was running her fingers through her hair when queuing for the toilets, and one of her extensions fell out

I stroked a rhino today. His cock came out. I think I might have gayed it up by accident.

@girlthing63 or raise the tax threshold

Can anyone recommend a good single malt other than Talisker? Please and thank you.

Susan Boyle RT @jodiemarsh Nye. I'm having a fancy dress party. Theme is movie stars. What to go as? Jessica Rabbit? Pammie in Barb Wire..