In that beautifully blurred moment between dreaming and wakefulness, I feel me by your side.

Every tweet you post should be considered a "computer crime."

You're welcome.
I just wrote a terrible tweet about cat puke but deleted it to spare you.

Good deed complete at 6:11am.
Engage bitch mode.

I’m definitely non-marriage material.

If you're going to be creepy, at least be good looking. Makes the creepiness seem a little less creepy.

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent distillation.

Damn gurl are you life cuz I wanna give you lemons.

*kills two formats with one tweet

*wins twitter

*cashes in trophies for MEGABUCKS!!

Who wants a trophy?

I'm too tired to make any real thought provoking decisions this morning.

Just got followed by McDonald's. Not sure if I'm lovin it.

I forgot about writing this.

Thanks to @galiamango for the flashback and endorsement!

It's either I'm very good at doing something or very bad at doing it, there's nothing in between.

I'm on no sleep. It's going to be a fuck of a day.

The truth is either terrible or terribly boring.

I don't get it. This isn't funny. Why am I following you. “@pontifex: To live according to the Gospel is to fight against selfishness.”

I always wear a top hat and bikini so if I'm ever kidnapped, loads of people will remember where they last saw me.

I've changed my face, again.

,)! <— Sexy Pirate, wearing a tie on a windy day.

If you want to manually retweet me to bring it to the attention of one of your fuckstain followers... Don't bother.

Cats are great if you just need a little company or if you’re learning taxidermy.

It's difficult for people to feed off my good vibes when all my energy goes into procrastination.