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My mom asked how my week was so I said "9 retweets, 5 new followers, 16 mentions" and she said she wished I'd died instead of the dog
What if at the end of Home Alone Kevin forgot to disarm one last trap and it killed his mom
Product Review • Umbrella Full of Spiders • ★☆☆☆☆ • As soon as I raised the Umbrella Full of Spiders over my head & opened it a rain of spid
Wait where on this resume do I draw a picture of how strong I am
I'm 31 years old and have yet to go through a revolving door without a tiny bit of fear that I'm going to screw it up somehow
To be clear, you're not really "the best dad in the world" your kid just knows like zero other dads
I had a dream I was eating a huuuuge marshmallow but when I woke up my beautiful marshmallow wife of 22 years was gone
What do we want? TO LIE AROUND IN BED ALL DAY! When do we want it? PRETTY MUCH ALL THE TIME ACTUALLY I THINK WE MIGHT BE DEPRESSED
My boss is religious so when he's around I'm careful not to say stuff like "God damn" or make my pope action figures fuck each other
Dear 8-yr-old Galvin, One day you'll grow up & say things like 'hell yeah' upon seeing an office cafeteria menu. Enclosed is a handgun
Maybe my favorite joke I've ever told is when someone told me to recap their pen so I said *deep voice* "Previously, on 'Pen'" haha shoot me
At night, Liam Neeson removes his Nic Cage mask and quietly laments that none shall ever know his greatest performance of all
Facebook is great for assaulting you with innocuous-sounding yet incredibly sad phrases like "[Friend's Name] likes Applebee's"
Getting your lover to self-pleasure while you watch is basically the sex version of Tom Sawyer tricking rubes into painting a fence
119 is the number you dial when you're feeling safe but want someone to come to your house and murder you
Just tried almond milk for the first time! Impressions: This world is broken and irredeemable
ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT? ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO DENY THE HOLOCAUST WHOA WHOA TOO BAD BACK IT UP
I edit financial research, just like we all dreamed about growing up. In my spare time, I am a dork.