My cup is half full - Lance Armstrong's optimistic Jockstrap

Saturday nights are for blindly jackknifing into the dumpsters outside of prom, knowing the placenta bags will break my fall.

Acid, Heroin, Fire-Water. By your power combined, I am Captain Panic!

Congratulations new followers, you’ve just joined a demographic known as the “willingly dumb".

Life is exceedingly unchallenging. I'm licking poisonous frogs to give my future self a handicap.

I survived the five point palm exploding heart technique and all I got was this lousy cardiac bypass machine.

Horseback riding is my kryptonite. - Superman

I'm guessing it's safe to say Billy Jean was a teenage boy.

My dad is in the Guinness World Record books for longest trip to the store for cigarettes.

Just ate an enormous meal, now waiting for the inevitable contractions.

What's more appropriate than using an Armstrong bracelet to castrate dumb people?

I take the integrity of your mother's vagina as a personal challenge.

Waterboard me with your vagina.

Call me Fishsmell.

Sandusky's weiner is one year sober.

I want to pick you up by the back of the neck with my mouth, and carry you around like a kitten or some shit. meow motherfucker.

The selective position and size of my new tattoo has my junk known among the ladies as "Popeye's forearm".

The recession hits close to home the most when I'm rubbing cheap toilet paper confetti of my junk.

Funerals are like old bananas, if you lead a horse to glue, i'm terrified of dentures.

On my back I've got this three-headed shark fighting tyrannosaurus rex's lesbian mother-in-law on top of a nuclear mushroom cloud.