Watching a mexican parade. No wait, never mind it is just a family unloading their minivan.

If life is HARD for more than four hours do I have to go to the doctor?

Get out of the kitchen if you can't handle me touching raw chicken with my nipples.

Just took a shit that looked photoshopped.

Really not sure why my fingers taste like that.

Don't you hate it when you make fun of trailer parks and your friends all "I grew up in one". Then there's silence.

You girls with your boob avi's - I am sure you have a personality like a dead cat.

Hey guys don't be fooled by my name. It's not like I have a giant gaping vagina. I know that's what you're thinking.

If a guy says their dick has a big mushroom head it's just a bunch of Shiitake.

Pringles are whores.

Barista asked how I like my coffee and told her "NIGERIAN". Then we had a good laugh.

Hey guys, fingerbanging went out of style when your calluses starting forming.

There are some seriously big fucking moths up in this bitch.

Looks like it's a 'reheat yesterday's coffee in the microwave and eat macaroni and cheese' kind of day.

I think a sponge bath with a SOS pad would be a more sufficient system than the shitty water pressure in my shower.

Monster truck commercials give me high blood pressure.

The saying "You only live once" is usually followed by making horrible life choices.

Most people with a lazy eye aren't afraid to commit murder.

Really easy to conceal farts to dubstep.

Lets take a moment to clean these mashed potatoes out of my keyboard.