There's no "I" in "vagina", at least not lately.

I tried to do those push-ups where you clap in the middle of it and I fell through the floor into the basement.

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me I was weird, I'd eat a lot of nickels.

Ugh...I hate cleaning blinds. At least deafs can see my clown suit.

A funny thing to do when someone leaves their browser open to their Netflix queue is to push their computer out an open window.

The best part about bringing Paula Poundstone home is that you can put two neckties on the doorknob.

My kids are furious I'm never going to have them.

If I were a male prostitute, I think the ladies would really be impressed by my dollar menu.

I was talking to this girl. It went pretty well. She only has one boyfriend.

I pulled a loose nail out of the wall and my apartment deflated.

I'm the Peyton Manning of sex. I watch a lot of tape.

I can't go out tonight, I'm washing your hair. #wigthief

I hump girls like a young Forrest Gump learning to dance.

People in Reno look like they're dying and you don't even have to shoot them.

Friends die, the benefits don't have to. #fakemovietagline

Ever notice you don't see sober-me and happy-me in the same room at the same time?

After being stuck in Green Bay an extra day, many NY Giants players are no longer in playing shape.

That's what I love about high school girls, man. I get older and older and older until I die.

Jesus Is Just Al, Right? #RepunctuatedRockSongs

I always dab my pizza. That way, I have a greasy little napkin snack ready for later.