@lisalampanelli if I get to 500 followers I'll donate $100 to GMHC!! RT please

i witnessed two morbidly obese chicks fighting over a guy with man boobs tonight... soooo whatever happens in my life is A-OK.

Ummm sorry LSU, the REAL honey badger is on OUR team... #kstate #CollinKlein

I've thought about how to put this nicely but I can't. Some people are fucking awful to be around and no amount of liquor can fix it.

"its way too hot outside for a cold beer!" - said no one ever

Let's be honest, the only people who will truly "never give you up" are the IRS and student loan companies.

My baby girl, my family, my friends, Kansas sunsets, and my future. #shitthatsfuckingawesome

Well @nikrichie is right as always. Lebron will never win a championship.

interviewing potential employees. "did you like van halen with hagar or david lee roth better?" "who is van halen?" GET THE HELL OUT NOW!

When a relationship is real, you don't need to rub it in your friend's faces. When you're insecure w/ it, that's all you can talk about.

hey jay cutler, congrats on having a newborn but still being the whiniest member of your family!

Please follow @jeremyinkc! He's dying of lack of attention and needs 2,500 followers so he won't need radiation therapy. #raceforthecure

America's next top model is more fun to watch while eating a cheeseburger.

tonight @jeremyinkc told me that i'm funny for a woman... similar to being a special olympic gold medalist. #wonderwhyhessingle #gentleman

Hey thanks for the pictures of speckled lights against a black sky! They looks super cool and interesting!

adele has a beautiful voice. its just too bad all of her fans think they do too.

When people ask me why I'm more into twitter than any other social media, tonight is a perfect example. That and I can be a total dick here.

I wonder how many people sent dick pics this morning with the caption "he has risen."

I have an urge to go on a Cosby sweater pub crawl.

NOTRE DAME IS A FUCKING JOKE AND LEPRECHAUNS AREN'T EVEN REAL! THAT'S LIKE NAMING A TEAM "THE FIGHTING GOOD ASIAN FEMALE DRIVERS"