This article is titled “How to get Jessica Biel’s body” but it’s just a bunch of health tips and nothing at all about kidnapping.

Damn girl are you sitting on an F5 key cos that ass is refreshing.

Ice cream cake is literally CAKE made of ICE CREAM so why is war even a thing.

If you cut your pizza up into small pieces you can use it as a topping for your other pizza.

What idiot named them rap battles instead of diss appointments.

"Fuck bitches, get money!" - Guys with neither

If kidnapping had less kids and more napping I’d be all over that shit.

My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.

I'm saving myself for somebody with better grammar.

I want whatever Dr. Seuss was having.

Stop moaning about stupid shit. There are people dealing with actual real life problems. Like me having to tweet from a Nokia, for instance.

Age is just a word, actually.

The problem with most people is that they're not pizza.

Not to brag, but my last girlfriend was real.

Godspeed sounds like something I'd pay a lot of money for.

Fashion tip: be really good looking.

I'm beginning to think that this speed cooking book has nothing to do with drugs.

My dog doesn’t answer my calls because he doesn’t have collar ID hahaha fuck you guys.

If this gets 100 stars I will literally get Rob Delaney tattooed on myself today.

Mr Chicken came first and Miss Egg was not impressed.