This article is titled “How to get Jessica Biel’s body” but it’s just a bunch of health tips and nothing at all about kidnapping.

Damn girl are you sitting on an F5 key cos that ass is refreshing.

What idiot named them rap battles instead of diss appointments.

If you cut your pizza up into small pieces you can use it as a topping for your other pizza.

Ice cream cake is literally CAKE made of ICE CREAM so why is war even a thing.

"Fuck bitches, get money!" - Guys with neither

If kidnapping had less kids and more napping I’d be all over that shit.

I'm saving myself for somebody with better grammar.

My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.

Stop moaning about stupid shit. There are people dealing with actual real life problems. Like me having to tweet from a Nokia, for instance.

Not to brag, but my last girlfriend was real.

I want whatever Dr. Seuss was having.

Godspeed sounds like something I'd pay a lot of money for.

I'm beginning to think that this speed cooking book has nothing to do with drugs.

Age is just a word, actually.

If this gets 100 stars I will literally get Rob Delaney tattooed on myself today.

Fashion tip: be really good looking.

The problem with most people is that they're not pizza.

My dog doesn’t answer my calls because he doesn’t have collar ID hahaha fuck you guys.

Mr Chicken came first and Miss Egg was not impressed.