4yo in co-op today, arms outstretched "Behold! A world of yoghurts". We had hoped he'd be the normal one.

Ed Sheeran there, arriving on stage with all the panache of Bod #brits

My consumption brings all the boys to the yard. My cough is better than yours. I could phlegm on you, but I'd have to charge.

I'd just like to assure any potential visitors that the stuff on the bathroom towel is Cornetto.

Kids are teaching my mum how to use the Wii, and discovering how she earned the ironic nickname 'Madame Atari' in the eighties.

@benedictfarse John Inverdale there incubating an egg of polished mahogany that will in time hatch a tiny glass dinosaur #johninverdalethere

That striped jumper fire sale must have been the best day of Jean Paul Gaultier's life.

Surely it's cheating to get the cast of Babylon 5 to sing for you? #eurovision2013

@yummysandwiches me either *dons a hat with a propellor*

It was from tea made with water from the kettle. I'm not some kettle licking, moss toothed, skank.

@j2thejoseph I think the legal term is 'mercy killing'.

When I see news of elephants being killed it makes me wish I had some proper ninja skills.

@underhandrea punch her square in the tits please, thanks.x

@misschievousone Bastards, bins are people too.

@yummysandwiches and fireworky. Ooh, they love a good firework they do.

@yummysandwiches I know! What's up with that? I'm sure I ordered elephant hair and formaldehyde, their latest one.

ISS spotted, nanight Cmdr Hadfield and your lovely moustache. *makes heart fingers*

@peasoneday nobody expects the..oh no..sorry.

@gjohnstone2 *screams, waves saltire*

'Mummy, can you open this?' 'Oh, come on, you're a bright boy I'm sure you can open a CD wrapper.' 2hours later, I'm firing up the lawnmower