What's got 8 legs and doesn't rape children?
The Jackson 4.

If you like the thrill of the chase, fill your inflatable sex doll with helium.

Was it horizontal lines or vertical lines that make you look fat...
Or is it all that fucking food?

Old MacDonald had Tourettes e-i e-i CUNT

You know that line that you're not meant to cross?
At twitter that's the starting line.

My wife was furious when she found out I'd secretly filmed us having sex. Hell hath no fury like a woman porned.

The first rule of women club, tell everyone as soon as possible.

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Control freak. Now you say control freak who?"

Never die a virgin, when you get to heaven they make you fuck a suicide bomber...

Guys think about sex once every tits seconds.

I forgot to go to the gym today, fuck that's ten years in a row.

Jesus brand Condoms --- Because Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord.

My new sexual position is called 'The Osama...
I burst into the bedroom & shoot my load on her face.

"Why are there broken condoms on our couch?"
"Would you please call our children by their names."

I have a friend who's extremely competitive. I'm not competitive at all...
In fact, I am the least competitive. So I win.

When dwarfs smoke weed they don't get high, they get medium.

Imagine how good Sex would be if women were able to have orgasms too!

The best thing about breast milk is the packaging.

Its so hot I'm sweating like an African child whose village is being visited by Madonna.

The first rule of iPhone 5 cunt owners club is that you tell everybody that you're a member.