"No, I said I hate flags. FLAGS." - God

Whenever somebody quotes Nietzsche to me, I put a finger to their lips and ask them to finish making my latte.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth because all you'll want to do is kiss its sweet mouth made of horse presents.

I'm about 10 pounds away from just posting a profile pic of my eyes.

"The Bachelorette" is the slowest gangbang ever.

Yoga is a really zen way to find out your body is a mega piece of shit.

My New Years resolution is to start referring to myself in the third person as "Baby Girl," as in "Baby Girl don't like onions."

Instead of tweeting "Good morning" or "Good night,' go be boring to real-life people instead.

I like to refer to raccoons as Trash Can Zorros.

I live in fear that some random woman is going to invite me to a Mary Kay party.

Alas, I have forgotten the Titans.

So what this pharmacist is really saying is that alcohol will make this medication more awesome.

On Twitter, I wish more female celebrities who are famous just for their looks would tweet blandly about positivity.

Girl, you must be beef jerky, because I'm going to try to pick you up at a gas station.

Arizona is so white that all its Cracker Barrels are just called Barrels.

I'd say I'm pretty productive except for those two hours a day when I pretend to be a wolf. Still, lots of diggin' gets done.

Right now, a high school student council is planning a Gangnam Style parody for an assembly, and there's nothing you can do about it.

I hate when guys I used to have a crush on do shitty things like get arrested or like John Mayer on Facebook.

Every month is breast awareness month for dudes.

If high school was the best time of your life, I don't want to have a conversation with you.