2013 is the year I achieve my childhood dream: Becoming a fire truck.

Ladies got the best butts. (Sorry, dudes)

Was just told by @_thp that the Red Cross STILL doesn't accept blood donations from gay people. Fuck that.

Farts are butt ghosts.

If I was the guy who owned that boat I'd be like, "my wife was right: I should never have bought a boat."

Can you imagine a drunken crowd leaving a Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins, and Patriots game simultaneously? That's St. Patrick's day in Boston.

Ground Control to Jean Valjean by the irreplaceable @jameswcoker and @marshallstratto.  http://youtu.be/WDk0f0CBWMw 

Stop reacting to changing clocks like it's new. We do this twice a year. I've done this 58 times. Shit ain't surprising. Pay attention.

Someone needs to make a character called Steez McQueen for me to boo.

This happened. @b_donnelly, @scottgatos, and @thelizardman23. Photo courtesy of @thomastowell http://t.co/7idh3b6E

#FF @eblarden, co-owner/operator of @livetweettue with yours truly, sole proprietor of @onehundreddates and my future character witness.

My first OKcupid date is tomorrow. If I get murdered I want my obituary to note I died doing what I love: being murdered by strangers.

Man, today was not a good day for homophobic racists.

“@jack_the_mc: Does he want a boat? Is that it? Look, he can have MY boat. Just get him off the goddamn boat.” Breaking: Jack owns a boat.

Breaking news: it isn't even 10 am yet.

Fuck whoever did this.

New @respectafilms written by @gavinspeiller and @unfinisheds starring @thatoneeyedkid @kenbreese and @autgillette  http://youtu.be/2C1KRa-Pde0?a 

The MBTA will shut down tomorrow at 3:30 pm. Intentionally, this time.

The latest @respectafilms sketch, Wishes and Losses starring @joshgondelman, is now available for your eyeballs.  http://youtu.be/pCOIXGbk88Y 

Hey, someone hire #entrylevelmoviestar @katiecunningham.