"Don't order from that ice cream man. We had a disagreement, it'll probably be poison." #DadFacts

He just said something incredibly racist while watching ANIMAL PLANET. Sweet Liberty. #DadFacts

"I love this song. You know, Tom Petty flipped me off at a concert once. I deserved it though." #DadFacts

"That sauce you made for the steaks was good. No, I don't need to know how it's made. You think I'm gonna make that shit?" #DadFacts

It really bums me out when Facebook tells me that a friend likes Applebees. Like finding out someone's dog died.

Hashtag irish. it's called alcoholism! JUDY GOLD. WHAT. —  http://thatcan.be/my/next/tweet 

@lexydermengin I'm gonna start askin girls for noods too, maybe they'll send me pictures of ramen; udon

@lexydermengin oh yeah, take it off (I was talking about your pikachu slippers, if they were made of real pikachu)

I really wish Harland Williams Jr. and Not Melissa McCarthy the best of luck this season.

Did you just terrible. So, so, terrible. So, so, terrible. So, so, terrible. So, so, terrible. —  http://thatcan.be/my/next/tweet  #IActuallySaidThisonce

:/ Everyone in a Woman Binder made 75 cents on food stamps. -Mitt Romney wants to start doing open-mic! —  http://thatcan.be/my/next/tweet 

"Race relations used to be way worse. I got arrested in the '70s just for having a mustache." #DadFacts

@andykindler Toaster Oven? Easy there, Mr. One Percent.

I know I've said this a million times befor but if you enjoy "The Big Bang Theory" I want you to inject AIDS into your eyeball.

@lexydermengin there is no greater fictional mother than Linda Belcher

@lexydermengin Eat your burritos, don't simply consume them.

More like Gerard DeparDon't

@lexydeeznutz You're a svelt, young Melissa McCarthy

"Paco is the transvestite. He goes by "Francesca" but he's not fooling anyone. You're not foolin anyone, Paco." #DadFacts

"Walk faster. There's a warrant out for my arrest." -My Dad. #DadFacts #AndItBegins