My daughter was crying, so I poured some Johnson's 'no more tears' baby shampoo into her eyes. Turns out they're a bunch of lying bastards.

My 2yr-old daughter is making me honey on toast and coffee for breakfast. She probably wants a new handbag or something.

I wanna write "I miss you" on a rock and throw it at your face so you know what sarcasm is, you dumb fuck.

I'm half a mile from ikea. And can already feel the suicidal tendencies growing. Kill me now.

If you're driving like a fucking idiot, I'm going to call you a fucking idiot. And if I'm driving like an idiot, get out of the fucking way.

Twitter: where the wild things are.

[•][•] robot boobs.

I don't mean to worry you, but one day the Earth's coffee reserves will run out. And when that happens, all manner of shit is gonna go down.

I'm far less interesting IRL than my twitter account would suggest. Which, if we're honest, is a real cause for concern.

I heard a joke about how some people on the interwebs lie to get attention. I nearly pissed my unicorn-skin pants.

TV prgm told how mucus is a bi-product of blood cells self-destructing to try & kill bacteria; I'm concerned my entire body may soon explode

Nothing beats a good starfuck in the morning. Well, other than a real fuck, obviously. I imagine.

If we all met up IRL, you think any of us would actually get on? Or instead shit ourselves when we realise who we've been in contact with..?

I was feeling rebellious, so just used the ladies' toilet instead of the gents. Someone's left the seat up, and now I'm horribly confused.

If I hit 1,000 followers by Saturday, I'm going to treat my wife to the night of her life*.

*babysit so she can go out with the girls.

So, I'm having this weird dream that I'm driving to work and falling asleep at the whee

Just occasionally, I like to go to work dressed like a complete tit.


The rest of the time, I just grin and bear it.

I'm ashamed to admit that occasionally, I really crack myself up.


But only when I run out of crystal meth.

Twitlonger - doesn't this defeat the attraction of Twitter? You might as well just use Facebook if you're incapable of sticking to 140 chara

Nothing hurts more than being ignored by someone you care about. Except maybe a kick in the nuts. Or childbirth. But whatever.