I bet Taylor Swift cries after sex

Tribal tattoos mean you have a stupid penis.

The Jackson Pollack of bird anuses visited my car today

Bowling shoes smell like how I feel about love.

Cats Ruin Everything Around Me.

There is a hole in my soul and I enjoy filling it with pizza and unnecessary shopping trips.

I wonder if Jesus ever told somebody their ultimate calling was to become a donut, you know, just to be a dick.

Ke$ha is just Taylor Swift but her daddy didn't love her enough.

I'll show you my tits for a bacon.

What about getting a tear drop tattoo under your nipple?

If you're fat and you hate it, give me your cookies.

Your stomach hurts? Have you tried turning it off and then on again?

The bus is a fart tube with wheels.

Twitter is like a community pool without chlorine

Manicotti is Italian enchiladas.

Even with a limit of 140 characters, most of you still talk too much.

Got horny, went to Arby's.

Present me seems to do a lot of things that piss off future me.

Waiting for my brain to work after a night of drinking is like waiting, watching a pot of water to boil.

Surprise! Stove isn't on.

Fake orgasms put the con in consensual sex.