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My resume has 3 pgs explaining why I was fired, and 5 pgs of photos of me in action poses.
Whenever a cop stares at me I'm wondering if he's thinking about how much he hates my freedom.
I want children. Related: I know that child slavery is illegal - I'm not stupid - but my question is: How illegal is it really?
Looking out the window. It's pitch black. The squirrels, they're up to something.
Isn't there a razor that gently glides over one's pimples? At the moment, my face looks like a planet dotted with gushing volcanoes.
My apartment is clean and now my girlfriend suspects I'm cheating on her. This is why I wanted my other girlfriend to just leave it alone.
Had the craziest dream within a dream within a matrix within a neverending story within an Ernest go to jail.
The Dr. said I was obese. I looked the doc in the eyes and asked "But I'm not MORBIDLY obese, right?" He said no, and I was like Yesss!
Churches don't get taxed so I shouldn't get taxed, you know, because this body is a temple, baby.
I'm a chubby chaser. And a skinny chaser. And a height weight proportionate chaser. Fuck it, if she has a vagina, I'm a chaser.
Asked a web cam girl to bark and oink and she said Ewwww. So, she'll stick bottles in her pussy but not do this one thing?
All the world's a stage and the other actors hate me because I never really learned the craft. I just show up and wing it.
2 paths diverged in the woods, and I took the path least taken because I'm bigfoot and that's how I roll. #bftweet
So, absolute power corrupts absolutely. Cool. Then, why am I the most absolutely corrupt person I know but have no power?
Went back in time and told Edison, “Yo in the future phones will be off the hook, G!” And this is what he said verbatim, “OMG! WTF!”
There's nothing sexier than finding a naked bug laying in bed waiting for you, antennas moving back & forth and shit.
RT this bio if you want to know something about me that is not already in a CIA database.
