Cracker Barrel founder dies on MLK day. Somewhere, the founder of Chik-Fil-A is getting out his calendar and nervously circling Pride Week.

"Did I brew THAT?" - Pilsner Urkel.

Oh sure, it's easy for you, you can just unfollow me. But I can't unfollow me. I CAN NEVER UNFOLLOW ME.

In honor of Tolkien's 111st birthday I will answer your snarky question, Internet: The eagles couldn't fly them all the way because shut up.

Superman, Orson Scott Card, and Me:  http://n.pr/XjN0Dq 

Bad news, guys. The groundhog came out and saw Sade. That means 6 more weeks of hearing "Smooth Operator" every time you step into a CVS.

Guys? It's "whoa."

Forget "woah." "Woah" is not a thing. Un-know "woah." Woe unto thee, "woah."

Thank you for your kind attention.

Met a 23-year-old with an AOL account. Cue 2013 NYT trend piece about hipsters adopting "vintage" ISPs. MARK MY WORDS. MARK THEM.

Cold < Very Cold < Freezing < Witch's Tit < Necromancer's Taint < Archmage's Uvula < Enchanter's Scrote < Warlock's Lymph Node.

Columbus Day Eve! Got the smallpox blankets hung with care, set out the bowl of tears, kids have visions of bloody conquest in their heads!

For Lent, I'm giving up.

Writing a ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN ARE DEAD take on the Batman origin.

It's 2 hrs of Alfred trying to shoo a bat out a window w/a broom.

Seventy-five years ago today, Superman first appeared on newsstands. He's mirrored our cultural shifts ever since.  http://www.newrepublic.com/article/112941/superman-75th-anniversary-how-man-steel-changed-times …

Fit people lie. I got up early & worked out but I don't feel any betterUNTIL JUST NOW WHEN I STARTED TELLING YOU ABOUT IT OK I GET IT NOW.

Forget about Cyber Monday. Everybody knows the real bargains don't kick in until Dalek Thursday.

"They - they said they wouldn't leave until I gave them ... figgy pudding (sob)." - A shaken home-invasion victim describes his wassailants.

So now that Aquaman has a necklace, he can join together with Green Lantern (ring) and Superman (cape) to form Liberace Voltron.

King of Prussia Chet, The Beaver Whose Joints Ache When It's Fixing To Sleet #lesserknownmeteorologicalrodentsofpennsylvania

So, Summer, thou foul, most loathèd enemy of the Pasty, thy reign endeth! O! Come, fair Autumn! With thy faithful hounds, Cider & Layering!

"See, I'm still having a problem with 'good.' How bout 'Excruciating Friday,' has the ship sailed on that?" - Jesus at the branding meeting.

Instead of seeing ROCK OF AGES I'm just gonna burn 12 dollars in the sink while watching a gif of Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's couch.