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"DUDE CLEARY YOU ARE INSUFFICIENTLY FREAKED OUT BY WHAT IS GOING ON OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW I MEAN AN ARMED UPRISING WE DON'T KNOW" - The dog.
Sad that Halloween's the only day a year I can get away with going up to people and demanding "Who are YOU supposed to be?"
MOM: Why did you put my Raggedy Ann's arm in a sling?
ME: That? Oh, she joined roller derby.
ME: HER NAME'S RAGGEDY ANGER NOW.
You gotta be some kind of sociopathic kid to go up to an exhausted woman who just gave birth on a pile of hay & be like, "DRUUUUM SOLOOOOO!"
"I BEEN STALKIN' YOU FROM THE ROOFTOPS SINCE FOR FIVE BLOCKS, RIDDLAH. YOUR MISTAKE WAS YOU PAHKED THE CAH TOO FAH FROM THE BAH."
Cracker Barrel founder dies on MLK day. Somewhere, the founder of Chik-Fil-A is getting out his calendar and nervously circling Pride Week.
"Did I brew THAT?" - Pilsner Urkel.
Oh sure, it's easy for you, you can just unfollow me. But I can't unfollow me. I CAN NEVER UNFOLLOW ME.
In honor of Tolkien's 111st birthday I will answer your snarky question, Internet: The eagles couldn't fly them all the way because shut up.
Bad news, guys. The groundhog came out and saw Sade. That means 6 more weeks of hearing "Smooth Operator" every time you step into a CVS.
Guys? It's "whoa."
Forget "woah." "Woah" is not a thing. Un-know "woah." Woe unto thee, "woah."
Thank you for your kind attention.
After 15 yrs of vile sodomy, F & are getting married this winter. Anyone got a line on banners that read "This Just Makes Fiduciary Sense"?
[Linus steps into spotlight.]
"That's the true meaning of Columbus Day, Charlie Brown."
Met a 23-year-old with an AOL account. Cue 2013 NYT trend piece about hipsters adopting "vintage" ISPs. MARK MY WORDS. MARK THEM.
For a guy who gets all Jesus-y around Christmas, Linus is pretty gung-ho with his precious pagan gourd-god.
Ain't no party like a Donner party/Cause a Donner party DON'T! STOP! AAAAAAA MY LEG! STOP! AAAAAAAAAA! THAT'S MY THUMB I NEED THAT! AAAAAAA!
Buy the MAN OF STEEL DVD for the deleted scene in which Superman does something inspiring.
Cold < Very Cold < Freezing < Witch's Tit < Necromancer's Taint < Archmage's Uvula < Enchanter's Scrote < Warlock's Lymph Node.
Columbus Day Eve! Got the smallpox blankets hung with care, set out the bowl of tears, kids have visions of bloody conquest in their heads!
Writes/podcasts for NPR and other places. Unauthor, SUPERMAN: THE UNAUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY. Which you could maybe buy? Would it kill you? Pleeeeeez? #marketing