Dear men of the world. If she doesnt cum, you havent finished. Stop giving the rest of us a bad name. Thanks

Twitter = the area between your twat and your shitter

I retweet when I starfuck because I like It when people watch

Boobs are awesome. Please retweet. Spread the good word

I'm so gangsta I use my glue gun on its side

I wasn't masturbating, I was cleaning it and it went off!

Wait, some of you have friends in real life? Fuck! I did not expect that

Lets play Hide and Go Fuck Yourself

When someone twittercides I imagine a scene where they step outside their house and rub their eyes at the harsh sunlight

Grrr. Stupid emotions are stupid. Why must I care about people? Why?

I retweet because you're better than me at this

Whenever I see a serious tweet, I have to read It twice to make sure Its not one of you cunts being a dick

I've got 99 problems but calling women by derogatory names aint one

I'm out in the fresh air. I dont like it

My face doesnt move when I type "lol". I'm laughing on the inside. It's like I've had botox

Inside every old person theres a young person wondering what happened

If it looks, tastes or even vaguely reminds me of a vagina. I WILL stick my tongue In It

my wife just used the terms "dribbled down the side" and "get it hard". she's baking a cake. I just got a boner

Your face is the safest form of contraception

I thought about becoming a gigolo but Im not sure my clients would like a night of mcdonalds and poorly attempted anal