I'm pretty sure the only way to get out of this bar alive is to high-five my way out.

No dude, your non-existent shoulders are not blocking my view.

I admire the fuck out of people with no rhythm that dance.

My lips are de-fucking-licious.

Hey @snapperdoo thanks so much for the pick! I appreciate it:)

Find her very best here and follow!

 http://favstar.fm/users/snapperdoo …

Don't feel special if I piss myself laughing at something you said. I also piss myself when I sneeze, cough, and sometimes just for fun.

I'm running out of places to hide in my house.

What in ever-loving fuck are you on about?

Awkward trying to explain why you can't stop giggling when the waiter asks if you want a tossed salad.

Douchebags. Because knowing is half the battle.

Let me ruin you for other women.

@amiigat thank you! :)

Thanks so much for the pick @i_mee_myself_ !! It is appreciated:)

Find his best here and follow!
 http://favstar.fm/users/I_Mee_Myself_ …

@bowlbythadon Thanks Ryan!

Who's gonna join me for a lobotomy to get rid of these pesky feelings?

We'll decide who's on top the old-fashioned way. Thumb war.

I have a deep and abiding fear that I'll get lockjaw when blowing a guy and have to explain to my parents.

There should just be an auto response for texting that just says "you misinterpreted my tone".
I fucking hate texting.

Need a house sitter? I'm your girl. Just so you know, I'm totally masturbating in your bed. I don't make the rules.

Guys, have the courtesy to lift your balls when your girl is tossing your salad. Is chivalry dead?