Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I'm pretty sure the only way to get out of this bar alive is to high-five my way out.
No dude, your non-existent shoulders are not blocking my view.
I admire the fuck out of people with no rhythm that dance.
My lips are de-fucking-licious.
Don't feel special if I piss myself laughing at something you said. I also piss myself when I sneeze, cough, and sometimes just for fun.
I'm running out of places to hide in my house.
What in ever-loving fuck are you on about?
Awkward trying to explain why you can't stop giggling when the waiter asks if you want a tossed salad.
Douchebags. Because knowing is half the battle.
Let me ruin you for other women.
Who's gonna join me for a lobotomy to get rid of these pesky feelings?
We'll decide who's on top the old-fashioned way. Thumb war.
I have a deep and abiding fear that I'll get lockjaw when blowing a guy and have to explain to my parents.
There should just be an auto response for texting that just says "you misinterpreted my tone".
I fucking hate texting.
Need a house sitter? I'm your girl. Just so you know, I'm totally masturbating in your bed. I don't make the rules.
Guys, have the courtesy to lift your balls when your girl is tossing your salad. Is chivalry dead?