Walked up a hill in skinny jeans and now I don't think I can have kids.

The best way to win an argument is to play dead

"What did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" (Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my mom)

I'm starting a fight club, but with naps instead. The first rule remains the same

I scream. You scream. The police come. It's awkward

My last words will be either "I wonder what this does..." or "no, you put YOUR gun down."

It's complete bullshit how they have school science fairs, but not school magic fairs. Teach children both sides I say. Let them decide.

The soap dispenser just prematurely ejaculated on the sink.

You are a story you tell yourself.

The worst thing about insomnia is dealing with the extra hours of reality

The secret to eternal happiness lies in the acceptance of its nonexistence

There is an absurd amount of pressure on moms to immediately erase any evidence that our body just created, hosted, and delivered human life

It's as easy as getting stars from strangers - which is not as easy as it sounds since stars are in space and stuff.

How come you guys are never around to star me when I say something good?

I have a gym at home....it's called the bedroom

I don't play hard to get I play to get you hard

I never give money to homeless people....you know the only thing they want to spend it on.....is a home...

Contrary to the popular Folger's belief, the best part of waking up is actually: still being alive

I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies and the wall gets in my way

Can anyone come braid my hair? My cats are doing a really shitty job.