Saving tweets as drafts is like pacing yourself on a bender.

I'm so negative, even my imaginary boyfriend can't take it anymore.

The most erotic porn is when someone wants you for real, and you want them back so fucking bad your mind is freaking erupting with emotion.

"I will not get drunk and tweet on LinkedIn, I will not get drunk and tweet on LinkedIn, I will not ..."

3 days on twitter and i'm failing out of school, losing my mind from lack of sleep and stalking guys I never met. Potential meth addict?

To my online boyfriend .. I'm so mad I'm not sexting you tonight. And you can forget about those virtual waffles in the morning too.

Every time I get an email now that's not a favstar notification, I'm kinda disappointed.

If I cleaned my house like I clean my Mac desktop, I'd be Martha Fucking Stewart.

The twitter butterfly effect is when someone wakes up in the forest with wood, and you feel like you can climb that tree up to the sky.

Who the fuck keeps moving the TL when I'm trying to take aim at a star?

Anyone else cross check their iPhone and laptop for number of followers?

I'm assuming all the eggs here were abandoned by Fabergé.

If all else fails .. retweet deliriously.

Twitter might be just a game, but just know that you can still hurt people on here. A lot.

When all else fails laugh like a freaking lunatic.

When you're done with that tweet can you lick my nipple?

A woman tastes sweet, and a guy tastes salty, and together it's like chocolate pretzels.

Did groceries in healthy mode yesterday, and now I'm going to cry because all I have in the house is snap peas and tofu burgers.

You can take your one night stands and fuck yourself.

If I deep throat you, yes that does mean I expect you to deep thrust me later. I'm selfish like that.