If you love someone, set them free.

Then call them up every hour to let them know that you've set them free.

Three words: Math is too hard.

My sexual preference is: often.

I bet even humans think other humans look weird.

Star this tweet, beotches!

I roofied myself in a bar last night. The police said I had a really good time.

Vagina is the best box to wrap any present with.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me three times, where the hell is the wedding ring?

You know what's frustrating: clicking on someone's avi and it's still the size as the thumbnail.

I just told 2 homeless people kissing each other on the street to get a room. How bad-ass am I.

My tits are my most valuable assets.

Whoever invented feelings - I don't want to have any of them.

If my best friend keeps calling me a slut, I am going to sleep with both her husband and her brother.

My drug of choice: MORE MORE MORE.

The good thing about Twitter is you can pretend to sit in front of your computer the whole when in fact you've logged out ages ago.

Some of my best friends were people. Some of the best sex I had were with people.

You know what? You have to kiss a lot of frogs to realize they're all frogs.

Blondes may have more fun but only redheads remember what happened the night before.

I've had sex with my boyfriend in all 52 states but the best state was Euphoria: we were both high on coke.

Fuck you bitches who never asks me to guest-tweet. At least, I have a hot body and nice bits. Don't fucking be jealous.