A leaf fell off of a tree and flew directly at my face and so I screamed, of course.

I'm gonna vote for Regina George because she got hit by that bus.

Here's Waldo #lessinterestingbooks

I'm going to say more than burrito ingredients to that boy next time.

I found a Thin Mint on my bedroom floor and now I am going to eat it, good morning.

Dude on the bus will not stop fidgeting with his dick no matter how hard I stare at him while blowing kisses.

I'm the dumb idiot who takes an hour-long bus ride to a Baskin-Robbins because @julieklausner tweeted about Ice Cream Nachos. #fat

Door creaked when I walked by so I said, "You shut your door mouth!" and then I dropped my microphone and Moonwalked off the stage.

I wish I had a safe place to fart.

Most days I wish I was a pile of cats.

JUST DILL WITH IT (and then there's a pickle)

When congressladies frown at the idea of a government act to equal the pay of men and women, I want to throw my vagina in the trash. #SOTU

WELCOME TO THE YEAR OF THE SNAKE, YOU MUGGLES 🐍 #slytherin #chinesenewyear

Jane, age four, asked why Jughead doesn't have a girlfriend and I told her it's because he likes hamburgers more than he likes girls.

Roommate told me he heard that the first hour and forty-five minutes of The Dark Knight Rises is Batman doing his taxes :(

Found my boyfriend passed out, face down, on the side of the street this morning :/ http://t.co/i6kT2IAo

I have to laugh when people say my dog and I look alike. That is just ridiculous! http://t.co/SMAnPGj

All I think about is kissing!

Under what section of my résumé should I list my crying on the way to job interviews experience?

I felt my butt vibrate, but my phone is in my hand, so I guess it was just a fart :(