@girlvanized's (Dr. Pickles ) most faved Tweets...
Dog, you're never going to get a boyfriend by licking yourself until you choke and gag. Believe me, I've tried.
The first person to beat me unconscious so I can avoid this 2 hour meeting gets to spend that time alone with my nonresistant body.
We've determined the reason old people sleep in separate bedrooms is so they don't have to wake up next to someone dead.
Living adventurously for me means swallowing the mystery pill I found at the bottom of my purse just to see what happens.
Thank GOD I got my period. Starting to worry I'd have to make 6 very awkward phone calls. Just kidding. I'd narrowed it down to 3 of you.
As I mentally ridicule everyone in the room for purely superficial reasons, it occurs to me that I might be a complete asshole.
When I write my autobiography, the title will be "Always One Step Away from Having to Suck Dick for Cash."
Through extensive field research, I've noticed a correlation between hitting the snooze button six times and being an hour late to work.
Two questions. 1) WHY DID I WEAR CORDUROY IN JULY? 2) Do you think I'll get fired for taking off my pants & fanning off my swamp crotch?
Well, hello, handsome sir. Two questions: do you like fat chicks, and will you wear clown make-up? Don't ask why, just say yes.
My new goal in life is to own a home with a trophy room where I can hang the mounted heads of my ex-boyfriends.
Man, I really hate the sounds my coworker makes when she eats. And breathes. And hums, talks, drinks liquids, digests, sits there, EXISTS.
When I'm sleeping with my head in the freezer, you know it's hot. Or that I passed out drunk while looking for ice cream.
Sometimes, the best revenge is simply knowing that other person will have to live the rest of their life as themself.
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