Twitter gives people such a false sense of importance n relevance. Know your place, understand your value, remember your lanes, show respect

Lol. If you voted in a pri school, just stay there and wait for a maths class RT @moemaina: What if both hit 51% will there be a run off?

Obama's speech writer is 27, Uhuru's is 22, mine will be 14 months. Ill be like ' Fellow Kenyans, gugu gaga abubububu...'

2011: Wacha mpango kando! Nugu!
2012: Ok. But mpango wa kando ni expensive
2013: Ok. Weka condom mpangoni at least
2014: Ok. At most, wanne?

Chics be like:
Me: Mayweather has won
Her: Ikr? This cold is just the one.

Kwani Kibaki was your mama mboga? QT @shikowawanjish: One tomatoe goes for 10bob. I miss Kibaki already... :(

Lol RT @brianmbunde: #UnforgettableTweetFor2012 "Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Mwenye Dhambi..."

"Uko na jina ingine?"

"Sinner"

*Pours holy water over tweet* RT @msale_: The Arsenal for second place! Did i hear an AMEN!?

Iran: Want oil? Kenya: Yes! US: What did you say? Kenya: Yes-u ni mungu na ni bwana ( ._.)

Kabando Wa Kabando's great great great grandson will be called Kabando Wa Kabando Wa Kabando Wa Kabando Wa Kabando

In 2013 lets remember Beats By Dre are headphones, not neckphones.

This guys parents just opened a Word document, then sat on the keyboard http://t.co/QTPmO7x9

Sexting spiders be like: I want to spread your 1st, 4th and 6th legs open girl

@mahiamutua I see youve RT'd me twice in 2 days. Look, i think ur a nice guy but im straight. Hope u find that perfect guy one day.

Stick to safe journalism like NTV's of reading tweets. The only danger you may face is a subaru...or being unfollowed

Pleasing a woman with both hands while standing and managing to keep your identity hiden. And they say men cant multitask

...20,000 acres in Bahati, 10,000 acres in Rumuruti, 40,000 acres in Endebbes, 100 acres in Karen and 1,000 acres in Dagorreti.

... 10,000 acres in Gatundu, 5,000 acres in Thika, 9,000 acres in Kasarani, and 10,000 acres in Naivasha, 52,000 acres in Nakuru...

October 1, 2004, The Standard, Kenyatta family land: 24,000 acres in Taveta, 50,000 acres in Taita, 29,000 acres in Kahawa Sukari...

Waititu's google browser history 'Digirii for firee ndaunload, Digirii ya bure, Kujipatia digirii bira kuthie thukuru...'