George Clooney has been 38 years old my entire life.

Doing some HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THE FILTH YOU CAN SEE NOW THAT THE SUN IS FINALLY OUT cleaning.

Unless it's being published by Penguin next month, maybe let's not call the story of you shotgunning 40s and puking in the alley "classic."

“Fine, sure, go ahead. Weird, but I like it.” (God greenlighting the Armadillo)

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to phish, he steals an old couple's credit card # over the Internet and orders a pizza.

Sleepovers are much more fun as adults. Because of the fucking and watching 'Dr. Who' all day.

Not to be outdone by rival Target knowing when a teen was pregnant, Walmart teamed up with Maury and can tell who the father is.

I can count the number of times I've stolen fingers from a cadaver to build a monster in my lab on one nearly complete hand.

Tomorrow's GOP debate: "Should Pregnant Women Be Allowed to Wear Shoes in the Kitchen?"

You haven't truly wasted your day until you have signed a Facebook petition.

I had a nagging cough but finally I said "Shut up! You're a cough, it's not like you've made the best decisions either!"

Fat Tuesday. Or, as we call it in America, Tuesday.

Happy Eat-A-Shit-Ton-Of-Food-And-Drunkenly-Show-Your-Boobs-To-Strangers-More-Often-Than-You-Normally-Would Day!

Dow at 13,000 means Wall St purchases a 2nd term for Obama. Guaranteed. And you can take that to one of the 3 remaining banks.

I'm giving up for Lent.

As long as we're passing crazy laws, can I get one where children are not allowed out after ever?

Ugh. This traffic sucks. But it'll all be worth it once we have a new babe ridge.

Stop complaining that there are no women testifying about birth control. None of the female Catholic priests were available this morning.

Taco Bell now has breakfast. "Wow, this is awesome," said people who will die in five years.

If this chick doesn't shut up about being branded 1% and the hardships of opening a wine bar, I'm letting it all ride on jury nullification.