The only part of Zero Dark Thirty that was believable was when they broke Khalid Sheikh Mohammed by making him listen to my dad eat soup.

I think if I really buckle down and apply myself, I could be dead in five years.

I really hate the handful of people who like the handful of things I like. #blerg

I found a folded-up note in the pocket of my jeans last night that just says "pizza" in someone else's handwriting.

Now that I'm in my 30s, most of my fantasies involve bands getting back together.

Future generations are going to get to set foot on Mars and even travel beyond the solar system, but they won't have Bill Murray. So.

A cool thing to do is to sit in your office and stew about something inarticulate you said in a conversation six months ago.

Legally, a cop has to tell you if you are a goth.

I wish Nate Silver had a formula to tell when I'm shined up enough to get through all the hunting stories & remarks about the prez tomorrow.

Have they tried getting Prince William and Kate to drive past and wave at the rioters? That seemed to mollify the throngs last time.

Heaven is exactly like this except that you never get Holiday Road stuck in your fucking head there.

You'll probably be happy to know that, according to WebMD, "my chest hair is especially soft today" is not a symptom of West Nile virus.

Hey ladies, I seem to have the same number of limbs as most of your Earth hunks.

Let's bring it in, gang. Okay. I'd like to get serious for a sec & say that boxer briefs have the best ratio of conveyance to presentation.

The only thing I hate is when sitcoms try to get serious. Oh, and doing things. And going places. Come to think of it, a lot of people too.

I guess I'd say my political beliefs are The Simpsons seasons 2-5.

According to commercials, I really hate music.

If I were Ryan Gosling, I would definitely sleep naked.

I spent my lunch hour at a paperweight museum with my mom, so right now would be a great time to send me a picture of your boobs.

Shaq just called Jason Collins a 'historian' because he did something historic today. Shaq is technically a doctor.