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Guys I’m worried that if I’m ever in a fire I’ll get freaked out and ‘pop lock & drop’ instead of ‘stop drop & roll’
next time you are at a gallery yell out "HEY WHO ARTED" then everyone will laugh so much probably
we all had to sign a card for a coworker thats retiring and i just wrote "please take me with you" in it
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
i will be SO annoyed if Ice T & Coco have a baby and it is not named after a seasonal beverage
no YOU'RE taking a pregnancy test in an ihop bathroom
brb getting upset over something i made up in my head again
LOOK HOW PATIENTLY IM WAITING FOR HIM TO RESPOND ITS LIKE I DON’T EVEN CARE
Excuse me, lady working at this ice cream place, but its rude to be moving so slow when there are ppl in line who clearly have broken hearts
when ppl mop grease off their pizza with a napkin i like to pick it up & ring it out onto my slice idk its just a power thing i guess
If I had a racehorse I'd name it "Gambling is a Serious Illness"
What if I just came into work, took like 9 donuts, put them in my bag, then just left.
i saw the best minds of my generation make dat booty clap
lookin for a Combination Pizza Hut/ KFC/ Taco Bell/ Boyfriend
vacation idea: coma
charlotte's web presence
single & ready to die
honeysuckles have the best scent and the freak-nastiest name out of all flowers imo
star this tweet if you like me so i can show my mom and other hators
sneeze so hard mother f*ckers wanna bless me