The best thing about children getting older is with each passing year you can shake them a little harder

When you throw your money at me instead of placing it in my hand don't act surprised when I reach over the counter and throat punch you.

My employee took me to my backroom & told me to close my eyes,not gonna lie I thought he was going to show me his penis...maybe next time...

Just told my kids the boogeyman is real and that he will rip their finger nails off while they sleep if they don't behave....too much?

I met the hottest lesbians today I almost switched sides...who am I kidding give me enough alcohol and I'm already there.

Playing Informer at work you know the song...Informer...hjugbfvss hhrksisv ahsuev a leaky boom boom now...or whatever the fuck he says.

If you're too stupid to realize when I give you the *wink* and the *gun* that you have instant access to my vagina then GTFO.

Apparently yelling "suck a dick" out my car window is a classic way to show my kids the correct way to handle road rage.

I need to invest in the favstar bonus features soon so everyone will suck my dick for a trophy....er...ah...I mean vagina...yeah...vagina...

If u say such things to me I will punch u in the taint. You've been warned

Flailing limbs and creative cursing....yeah I showed that bee what's up...ok not really I ran in the house like a bitch.

Twitter. Giving men the ability to say shit to women that would usually get their penis' chopped off in real life.<3

My son likes to take his diaper off and let the boys hang out. Based on some of your tweets this is something he will never grow out of :(

Nothing is sacred after you have kids, NOTHING! So to all you ppl without them enjoy taking a shit in peace while you still can.

Whenever my boobs try and escape my shirt I have to tell them, "calm down you'll get your chance at freedom."

Dear lady who doesn't like the poster of two women kissing at the front of my store, you're an idiot and I could care less what you think.

Left the suburbs to venture into the ghetto...gotta get the hair did. Side note my cars locked down tighter than Fort Knox.

I wonder if the same principle righty tighty lefty loosey applies to women if so fellas I'd try and avoid those left handed ladies

When the self-flushing toilet flushes before I even sit down it just reinforces my childhood fear of being sucked in :(

You call me a crazy bitch like it's supposed to hurt my feelings.