My wife let me watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail but she’s duct taped my mouth so I can’t quote the movie; so, I’m texting lines to her.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

Id: I needs more followers!

Ego: You have a loyal group of followers already, why more?

Id: I needs more followers!

Super Ego: Idiots.

People use Twitter because secretly, everyone wants groupies.

My favorite people to RT are the ones with a low follower count. They write incredible Tweets that others really need to see.

I always wear latex gloves whenever I make finger guns because I'm terrified that the imaginary police will trace back who I shot.

I consider myself ruthless since there are no Ruths in my life.

Starbucks is going to start selling beer & wine which means they are 1 step closer to strapping a catheter on you & never letting you leave.

I will follow someone walking w/a cane for hours hoping to witness a kick-ass cane-sword duel; however, I mainly just creep out old ladies.

To douche-bag Consumer Groups: The kids are not overweight b/c of junk food companies, they are overweight b/c you refuse to be a parent!

Why is it that the people who are the most vehemently opposed to a topic are always the ones least informed on the subject matter?

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

I just saw a guy w/a cart full of cat food, a brand new camera and a photo printer; so, you know what that means? Kitty pornographer.

My wife won't let me play with hand puppets anymore because my inner demons take over and the puppets terrorize the villagers.

I'm fairly certain that we still live in a feudal society but with cleverly renamed kings and lords.

All I needed was five minutes inside Wal-Mart to confirm that the human race is doomed.

Day 3 Without Coffee:
An imaginary coffee bean, named Rudy, is doing an erotic dance on my desk chanting: "Taste me... Lick me."

My dog is looking down upon me from the deck as I'm down in the yard picking up his turds.

What's wrong with this picture?

I finally got the raccoons out from under my deck and it only took five home remedies, some hardware cloth & a flamethrower… I miss my deck.

I typically agree with my wife because when I do, she gives me treats.