<bends paperclips into a pack of killer animals>

RISE MY MINIONS & DEVOUR MY ENEMIES!

<they start humping each other>

Stupid paperclips!

If you pulverize Sweet Tarts, then inhale them up your nose and happen to sneeze three times in-a-row, a unicorn is born.

Why is it that the people who are the most vehemently opposed to a topic are always the ones least informed on the subject matter?

If you giggle after every third word you say, you instantly become Pennywise the Clown in my mind and you're plotting to eat me.

Starbucks is going to start selling beer & wine which means they are 1 step closer to strapping a catheter on you & never letting you leave.

I was walking around and I kept hearing rattling with each step. It turns out that someone replaced my brain with a box of Tic-Tacs.

My wife let me watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail but she’s duct taped my mouth so I can’t quote the movie; so, I’m texting lines to her.

Just because you love something doesn't mean it's yours.

You spend your youth dreaming of being an adult; and then, you spend your adulthood realizing how stupid you were as a child.

I'm shoveling wet, heavy snow as my dog watches me from the window & says: "It's not so great having thumbs now, is it?"

<evil dog laugh>

According to my dog, the answer to all of life's questions is: Lick your butt.

I consider myself ruthless since there are no Ruths in my life.

My wife won't let me play with hand puppets anymore because my inner demons take over and the puppets terrorize the villagers.

My wife and I came home to find our dog passed out on the couch with six party hats covering her teats and snoring into a party horn.

I just saw a guy w/a cart full of cat food, a brand new camera and a photo printer; so, you know what that means? Kitty pornographer.

Day 3 Without Coffee:
An imaginary coffee bean, named Rudy, is doing an erotic dance on my desk chanting: "Taste me... Lick me."

I have a bomb strapped to my chest so I'm being forced to Tweet this:

"I love Justin Bieber!"

HELP ME!!!

My Tweeting Philosophy:

That Tweet makes no sense. Post it!

That Tweet makes absolute sense. Delete it!

I would rather receive the blunt truth than a backhanded compliment or a sugar-coated lie.

I like to scroll through my timeline using my middle finder so I'm essentially flipping off everyone in my timeline.