Oscar Mayor Weiner

@haurdcider I figured you'd say that, Geoff.

It's OK if the food on your plate touches, guys named Geoff and Thom.

Hey, let's go hearseback riding. You first.

Nobody gets fucked as much as my life.

Throwing up gang signs. Shouldn't have eaten the whole bag.

I bet when a hurricane is imminent in Florida, everyone there shutters at the thought.

According to this Fast Food Bible, Wendy's was created from one of Ronald McDonald's McRibs.

That which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger is the reason I can bench press 200 kittens.

Starting a religion for agnostics. Calling it Chratheism.

Hey stoners, if you're ever busted for possession, plead the 420th. It works. Google said.

Was busted for illegal use of fireworks last Independence Day. My day in court is next week. I'm going to plead the 4th.

"Keep calm and carrion."

~ Scavengers

I miss guess-tweeting.

The grass is greener on the other side because that's where I throw all the dog's shit.

Pretend the earth is a human. Drill for oil. Same as a mosquito. Remember what happens to mosquitoes.

"I'll be dammed!"

~ A stream realizing that it has a beaver

Morning wood is just your built-in alarm cock, fellas.

As a kid I used to dig big holes with my friends, push them in, then fill the hole with water. So yeah, I played well with others.

Your neck has a nice wring to it.