"Around here we eat our mistakes!" is a good policy at a restaurant. Not so much at a hospital.

Has anyone considered that maybe Juggalo facepaint is lead-based? It would explain so much.

To: People upset about jokes at Tumblr's expense -

Hello, welcome to the Internet. Let me show you around. We'll start in the porn room.

Twitter always knew it was one database error away from being President of the Internet. It just didn't count on it being so soon.

Coworker who had been calling me "Guy" is now calling me "Bro." Soon he won't be calling me anything because he'll be dead.

My heart goes out to all of you who knew @fedge. Truly a heartbreaking day. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Thanks to @daveshumka, @grahamclark, and Stop Podcasting Yourself, I constantly say "the worst," "the greatest," and "sure." I'm OK with it.

.@sween lined up 10 tequila shots on the bar. Note to self - find a way to party with @sween.

Went to 13. Saw old friends. Met new friends. Watched some hockey. Ate a pot roast sandwich. I'm calling this a win. I love you all. #chsh

Guess who crossed the finish line and is still breathing? #chsh #shamrockshuffle

I'm starting the Long Island Iced Tea Party. Freedom from tyranny. And sobriety.

No matter how pathetic you think your life is, remember this: someone somewhere is the lead singer in a Nickelback cover band.

Jesus. Tumblr appears and disappears more frequently than that stomach flu I seem to come down with every time there's physical labor to do.

Without Tumblr, how am I supposed to post another GPOY of me at my desk, looking bored, wearing the same sweater I always wear?

Pomegranates - The trendiest way to starve to death while eating.

Why are people so upset about the supposed War on Christmas? Judging by the Wars on Terror and Drugs, there's not much to worry about.

Public Service Announcement:

If you play "Little Drummer Boy" around me, I'll pa-rum-pa-pum-pummel you.

If a coworker falls in the woodchipper and nobody's around to hear it, can I have Karen's laptop?

No reason. Just wondering.

Chicago cabbies are sensitive to the word "penis." Who knew?

Walked up to the @mullenswrigley bar. Bartender said, "I remember you!" and then two extra bottles of Jameson & Jack were brought out. #chsh