@goldengateblond's (shauna. with a u.) most faved Tweets...
They just opened the first rehab center for internet addiction. As soon as I find their online class schedule, I'm so signing up.
Tiger Woods' sex rehab clinic prohibits masturbation while in treatment. And with that, "penalty strokes" just took on a whole new meaning.
Tweegret (v): Wishing you'd waited to post a tweet because you just thought of a way to make it much funnier.
My husband is a US/Canadian dual citizen. Which means he’ll tell you to fuck off and then weep bitter tears over how rude he just was.
Bill Gates just quit Facebook because he had "too many friends."
And my love affair with irony continues.
And my love affair with irony continues.
Whew. Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my new electric blanket in the shower.
A friend just IM'd me from a bar and announced she's "three shits to the wind."
Man. I hope there isn't a cross-breeze.
Man. I hope there isn't a cross-breeze.
If you text your boss to call in sick and your phone autocorrects the S to a D, that's no longer sick time.
That's a personal day.
That's a personal day.
Picking a dress for tonight's company holiday party. Deciding between "classy" and "you'll remember my boobs next time I need something."
Look, using the word "retard" doesn't mean I'm insensitive. The literal definition is "to impede." Okay? Now move your wheelchair.
Saw "gynecologist" misspelled on a doctor's giant backlit sign today. Appalling.
No way I'm letting him NEAR my angina.
No way I'm letting him NEAR my angina.
Somewhere, Sarah Palin is swatting away flying monkeys and shouting I'LL GET YOU COMMITTEE, AND YOUR LITTLE BILL TOO.
I smoke AND use a tanning bed, so according to the news today, I'm already dead. Next up: Knife juggling!
A friend's 4yo son has started yelling SHOTS FIRED! whenever he farts. She found it as funny as I do - until he did it in church on Sunday.
Despite his Southern roots, my husband rarely has an accent. Except when he talks to his family. Then he shapeshifts into Foghorn Leghorn.
Everyone froze in horror when that little kid faceplanted in the parking lot. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to start the applause.
Plaxico Burress: Shoots self, goes to prison.
Chris Brown: Beats girl, goes free.
Lesson: Shoot someone else, beat yourself up about it.
Chris Brown: Beats girl, goes free.
Lesson: Shoot someone else, beat yourself up about it.
At team trivia tonite I rattled off every cast member in "Full House."
The points were fleeting. The shame is forever.
The points were fleeting. The shame is forever.
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