She was at the VMAs covered in meat. Now she's at the Grammys dressed as an egg. Two more red carpets and Gaga will be a Denny's Grand Slam.

I've just found my iPhone autocorrects "cunt" to "Cynthia." Which means somewhere in Steve Jobs' past is a woman with one HELL of a story.

If Ricky Martin's been in the closet, it was one with a clear glass door.

PUNK KID AT THE STORE: It's only 8pm. Why are you yawning?
ME: Oh I'm still tired from all the partying I did BEFORE YOU WERE EVEN BORN.

They just opened the first rehab center for internet addiction. As soon as I find their online class schedule, I'm so signing up.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.

If the pollen count gets any higher, drug dealers will start converting meth back to anti-histamines.

PHARMACIST: Are you allergic to any drugs?
ME: Maybe. I haven't tried them all yet.
PHARMACIST: ...
ME: You people are oddly humorless.

If you think commas don't matter, try asking the girl for whom "Come On, Eileen" was written.

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It's a baby, not a stash of heroin.

These people on "Hoarders" seem capable of saving everything but their teeth.

I like the word pithy. It thounds like thomeone with a lithp is pretty upthet.

Julia Roberts gains 10lbs for a movie and everyone's all, oh, isn't she brave.

If 10lbs is brave, I deserve a Purple Heart.

I see all these young girls being slutty online and it makes me sick because when I was their age I had to do that shit in person.

I think this bra creates a little too much cleavage. Someone just stared at my chest and said, "Nice ass."

60 degrees in October: It's FREEZING. Where's my coat?

60 degrees in March: This is AWESOME. Where are my flipflops?

Knowing men, I find it hard to believe the guy in the back of the bobsled just sits there silently while someone else drives.

I'm sitting outside drinking myself into a stupor. I may feel like shit tomorrow but by God, so will the mosquitoes.

Tiger Woods' sex rehab clinic prohibits masturbation while in treatment. And with that, "penalty strokes" just took on a whole new meaning.