I saw a spider in the bathtub, so I got a piece of tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.

exercise...ex..er..cise...ex...ar...size...eggs..are...sides...for bacon
bacon!

Don't worry girls, your true love is somewhere out there, he's just busy having sex with someone else now.

Today's #elfit challenge proved that it's not about how big your muscles are but how good your stamina is. Cardio > Weight lifting

I'll buy you a calculator, so you don't have to count on me anymore.

Darts in the #Olympics, but a physical sport like #squash isn't? I'd like to see you try. #Vote4Squash

Sometimes I think my cat is human. pic.twitter.com/FPrquSUr

Only trust people who like big butts, they cannot lie.

If you are in London right now, and you are not at the Olympics, I would kill myself now and save you the embarrassment.

What is the one animal you shouldn't play cards with? A cheetah

"you know, there is something I CAN eat during a huger strike" - Gandhi pick up line

In a parallel universe: Unicorn " I don't believe in Humans"

I wanna have you like the "Mayfair" street in Monopoly.

If I was the president of Egypt, the first thing I'd do is remove all car horns.

Just another way to deal with random ppl trying to become ur FB friends. http://t.co/4eaJkTYF

Here's a tip to all girls out there.. if a guy lies to his family, he will lie to you.

Good After ن

So you all found a soul mate at 20 or less? good for you, hope you have good divorce lawyers.

Don't make life decisions when you're bored, lonely, horny, hungry, drunk or extremely happy.

Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling and pulling... then someone lets go, and the person who holds on, gets hurt.